The Lazy and Grumpy Engineer, a.k.a. The L&G Engineer, is the James Bond of Engineering World and is the most regarded troubleshooter in the engineering industry.

Legend has it that earlier he was just an ordinary, a lazy process engineer who had grumps about everything in life. During one of his forced site visits to a processing plant, he accidentally got exposed to lethal H2S laden gas in concentrations high enough to kill anyone instantly, but he survived miraculously! How did that happen, is still a mystery for any logical mind? For years, researchers at NASA, Harvard and Stanford have been breaking their heads for any plausible explanation, without much success? But a rather more interesting aspect is that since the incident, he seems to have developed or rather possessed with unlimited powers, few of which are as follows –

  • He doesn’t need a special sampling device to assess the quality of a toxic crude sample; he can generate a crude assay by mere visual inspection or sometimes by taking a stroll in the area and smelling off the surroundings!
  • He is known to have devised a special equipment that replaces multiple processing units, without requiring any maintenance and without any reduction in efficiency of the process. 

As you would have guessed by now, such equipment can’t even be opened up, let alone any possibility of imitation by anyone. Once an attempt was made to open one such equipment, a very strange thing happened – The moment the nuts and bolts were loosened a bit, sirens went off and the equipment sublimated into thin air in a matter of a few seconds.

The L&G Engineer considers the whole engineering world as one family and strives to make this world a better place. However, it does not mean that his services come cheap. He is so well respected that major operators worldwide have offered him percentage of their businesses. He has a taste for fine things in life, but doesn’t like to operate out of sprawling offices and rather prefers to live anonymously at some undisclosed location. Also, he works alone.

Business owners can contact him only through a public appeal and then it’s up to him to respond to the call, but his help comes with a few pre-conditions, such as –  

  • He will accept an assignment only when the local troubleshooting team has failed; he does not believe in spoon feeding you see.
  • He doesn’t deal with stupid people and so the local team needs to first take up and qualify his technical challenges.

The L&G Engineer is a grateful human being with a Lion’s heart. He gives away substantial portions of his earnings towards noble causes for the betterment of society, but he is no Robinhood, because:  

  1. He does not rob anyone and
  2. He does not wear a hood.

No one has ever been able to comprehend his methods, and everyone wonders how he does it!

Scroll down to check out more skills of L&G Engineer. 

Image Credit

The L&G Engineer’s Skills

I would be happy to extend the list with your suggestions for L&G Engineer’s skills. But, please ensure the skill is humorous, witty, utterly stupid maybe or strange enough to put a smile on reader’s faces. Share your suggestions on skills@lazyandgrumpyengineer.com

    1. He holds a world record for producing a 100% accurate root-cause analysis for incidents in plants he has accepted the invitation for investigation. 
    2. He can produce the complete design documentation overnight for any greenfield processing facility from scratch, but he is not selfish and so, he does not exercise this power, which potentially could render the whole industries’ workforce out of work.
    3. The equipments designed by L&G engineer can handle any variations in FEED composition, pressure, or temperature without requiring any modifications and therefore, are the best value for money.
    4. The distillations columns designed by L&G Engineer are foldable and can be transported even in a mini-cooper.  
    5. People are curious about wherefrom the L&G Engineer procures the versatile material of construction that he uses in his equipments – Once he had confided it to a dying operator that he sometimes visit the extra terrestrial spaces for this purpose.
    6. Insurance companies yearn for providing insurance covers to plants designed by L&G Engineer as those plants never have any accident, making the companies earn premiums for nothing.
    7. There is no safety topic required to be discussed in the start of meetings where L&G Engineer is present as his presence itself makes everything around most safe.
    8. The L&G Engineer’s designed equipments come with chips that can deceive even the satellites, thereby protecting a facility from any potential attack from enemies. 
    9. The L&G Engineer can speak any language just after reading the alphabet of the same. This skill endears him to all his Clients having facilities in the remotest areas on the Earth. 
    10. It just takes a stroll for L&G Engineer in an area to accurately predict not just the presence of O&G reserves but also the explorable amounts of the same.
    11. The L&G Engineer can recycle the plastic. But because he wouldn’t want to kill the innovation drive of scientists of the world, he keeps the formula with himself.  
    12. Elon Musk, when he was very young had got hold of some of LNG Engineer’s partially shredded notes on certain things and now look at him, hogging all the limelight as one of the most enterprising impressive innovator around. 

KEEP THEM COMING………..